It's what I do when I'm not doing everything else

I'm writing a book.

But some days I don't write and only think about my characters in a forlorn, wistful, ah, if we only spent more time together-kind-of-way.

This writing 'something' process is not how I imagined and I'm reigning in my brain to stop imagining how 'real' life might pan out and keep imagining the imaginary story I want to make real.

This is what I want to do, to write. So why is it so hard?
Well, (me preaching to the choir) just because I want to do it, doesn't mean it will be easy. It just means the motivation for it is often riper and easier to access.
Also - why should it be easy?
Why should anything worthwhile be easy?
Where the heck has that little lie bedded into my thinking?

Like life is easy.

So I think I need to get over that - and get on with the good hard work of making a good life and completing the story for these little friends running around my head.

Forgetting

Listening to the radio the other day, the words of the song hit me -
"You can't run when you're holding suitcases....Yes, it's a new day, throw away your mistakes and open up your heart, lay down your guard, you don't have to be afraid..."

Breathe

I carry around SO Much CRAP sometimes!
Goodness.
Just carry it around, letting the weight of it overwhelm me, lashing out at my beautiful family when I've got this stuff that actually isn't even mine - and I can lay it down.

This revelation just keeps on hitting me in sweet waves.

release

That's gonna be my theme song this year.

What's funny is as I was singing it, I realised I had been afraid of so much. So afraid.
So afraid of failure that I haven't started.
Afraid of the future being bleak when most days are actually pretty good.
Afraid of not having enough when I've got left-overs.
Afraid I'm not going to have good relationships with my children when they're being built right now.
Just nasty old fear, creeping in again, trying to look like stress or "busyness" - such a big 'ol liar.

I love this thought from Helen Keller, who overcame incredible challenges, she said, 'Security is a myth. The reason we don't experience it is because it doesn't exist. Avoiding danger or failure is no safer in the long run than out-right risk. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.'

So this year, I'm going to:
Rest in tiredness, when it comes
Dig wells in myself to make more space for my children's needs
Listen better
Push my mind and heart out of these four walls and take those needs I see to the Father
Be honest in love
Embrace the sacrifice of patience
Take deep breaths often
Smile for no reason until the reason appears

And I'm going to move FORWARD in the things burning in my heart, forgetting what is behind, believing that He'll give me the capacity and trusting that the good stuff is bedded in the soil of my heart, springing up even now.

Beginning again

2012

Is it me, or does this year have a certain ring to it?
And not just because of the London Olympics either...

2011 was a tough year for me.
Realised I still have A LOT of growing up to do! Hopefully some of that work has been done now though and we can go into 2012 breathing easier. Ah.

I've been fighting crazy things, you might even say the inevitable, and sometimes not knowing what the heck I was railing against, feeling out of control.

DIY has brought some things to the surface - I love how that happens - you start making your lounge a place you'd actually choose to pay to hang out in, and in the process you unearth and deal with some really broken places in your heart. I say, "you" deal with it, but really, HE has dealt with it and keeps touching it and healing it further and further back to the root pain. SO thankful my God is a healer.

So the house is getting more ordered and my head is following suit.

Thankful that the beginning of 2012 has started with healing, tidiness, laughter and connecting with people - those are the things (minus the tidiness) that never pass away.